I started this post on November 6th, 2025 and have since moved through loss in a way I had not yet encountered. In memory of Jennifer Boone Ratkowiak, my grandmother, Betsy Harrison DeCesare, and my grandfather, Thomas Richard Zemaitis, who is actively in passing, and for all of the loved ones who are gone too soon.
November 2025:
I have been thinking about endings recently. This is somewhat in an existential sense. There is truth to the fact that the thing that makes life so valuable is that it can end. There is only a finite amount of time we get to experience time on this planet.
And maybe that’s why when a period of life we enjoyed comes to a close, it hurts so much. There is a knowing that we can never go back to that moment in time. I guess that’s how the feeling of nostalgia was named.
I think about my parents’ lives and how many endings they had to endure before they got to where they are today. maybe thats the only way we can move forward, is by recognizing that new beginnings are disguised as painful endings.
October 25, 2026:
I think God was trying to prepare me for the year that was about to happen. At the time I questioned why there was so much existentialism in my heart. And if I’m being honest, that hasn’t gone away. Something I actively combat within myself is how deeply I feel. Every moment is sentimental to me, and sometimes that feels ridiculous, but that doesn’t make it any less true to me.
Yet, I believe I would rather live a life filled with endless gratitude than one that is unfulfilled.
There are a lot of endings I am moving through. My grandmother, Betsy, passed away a few weeks ago. My grandfather, Tom, is currently in the intermediary space between heaven and earth. In January, I am leaving Philadelphia, and I do not know when I will return.
I will miss Philadelphia so much, in a way that I didn’t expect to. I thought that choosing to leave would make saying goodbye easier, but that doesn’t make the emotion any different, it just makes the timing on my own accord. Philly is a place where I truly became myself. I moved there to decide what dream I wanted to pursue, even though it meant leaving my friends, who are family, behind in New York.
I can now say I am so proud of myself for how hard I’ve worked. I still doubt myself all the time, but I look back to a year ago and how much progress I’ve made, and I can’t help but smile.
There is still so much going on. There is death and cancer and unjust pain and war and so many horrors that I cannot stop, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t also goodness.
When my father had cancer when I was 13, I grasped onto the story of The Fault in Our Stars. I remember being so worried about my dad at the time, but also thinking about how lucky I was to have a father at all, with the fictional teenage cancer patients’ lives cut short. In the story, they visit Anne Frank house in Amsterdam, and in the movie a quote of the young girl rings out, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
This young girl, a victim of genocide, still made the decision to hold onto hope. We cannot prevent unfortunate events from occurring, but we can decide how we react to them. What an act of courage for Anne to think in that way during the atrocities she experienced. I want to encourage those moving through hard times to be inspired by this unbridled hope.
In The Fault In Our Stars, there are “encouragements” on the wall in the family home of one of the main characters. The one that always stuck with me was, “If you want the rainbow, you have to deal with the rain.”
I know that all those who have already found their way over the rainbow live through their loved ones on the earthly side. We must keep striving, to live for ourselves, and to live for them, too.
October 26, 2026:
Thomas Richard Zemaitis passed away around 4 in the morning today, peacefully, in his sleep. He was an example of what a good man should be. He will be dearly missed.
