ANAGRAM

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I feel most beautiful when…

I am messy, uninhibited. When my cheeks are flushed with sweat or saltwater is tangled in my hair. Yet, I am messy often but do not feel beautiful often. My room is a mess, my thoughts are a mess, usually I am overall a disaster throwing on whatever will pass as presentable for that day.

I tend to focus on the little things, really small details that other people may not observe. I think that’s how I get people to like me. “How do you know so much about me?” It’s not very hard, people just rarely listen to one another.

One unfortunate thing about the details is I fixate, and it is usually on things I can’t control that much, unlike my room or my thoughts. I have currently been fixated on the frizz atop the part of my hair. There’s something about wearing business clothes, why does it promote the compulsion to slick everything back? Hair with gel, legs into tights, arms into jackets, face into a sweet but stricken smile.

So I guess it is hard to feel beautiful when I go sit in a box to stare at a screen each day. There is no mess to be made around the computer screen-only demands to standardize, to perfect, to slick the product into one that is shiny, and new, and desirable.

And I guess that’s how I try to be sometimes-shiny, new, desirable. I am 22, practically a baby, but my soul has always felt old. How am I supposed to pretend to not know the things I do?

The mess must be worn on the outside, and I know how beautiful that can be.

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Happy Koko Recovery Day!!

Today is a special day. Today is the day my little Koko made a very important decision, to start living her life for herself.

Life is really hard when you are grasping for a sense of control. There are so many things that are not ours to change. It is important to remember that joyful things in life also come from what we can’t control, like a sunset or a beautiful coincidence.

I love you Kiera, and I am so proud to be your sister. You inspired me to get better, too, and I am sorry if my own issues ever made things harder for you. It is incredible to watch you grow up into a creative, bright, little starlet. Keep throwing up a middle finger to all the toxicity you encounter. Someone has to stand up to it, so why not you? Keep making the world better.

With more love than you’ll ever know,

Your big sister ❤

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Live or Die

I first encountered my favorite artwork while in New York City over Martin Luther King Weekend at the Museum of Modern Art. Seeing Van Gogh’s Starry Night was surreal, yet, I was unaware that Bruce Nauman’s exhibit Disappearing Acts would change my perspective. I noticed One Hundred Live and Die immediately. The piece stood stationary, and the metal monolith filled the white space with neon light. In the dim museum, phrases lit up one by one: “live and die, die and die,” and “laugh and live, hate and die,” and “feel and die, touch and live” and “sick and die, well and live.” 50 verbs in light, followed by either life or death. This vision was created by Nauman in 1984, and although the world has changed over the past 35 years, life as we know it has remained relatively unaltered, for the nature of our existence is inevitable. Each decision we make yields a response, we either keep living or we die trying.

In times like these, in the panic of the coronavirus outbreak, our impending mortality is shoved to the front of our minds. This can be scary to think about, but we must put things in perspective to live and thrive in this new normal. As a collective society, we must practice gratitude for all we have at this moment. We must remember all the good that is still left in the world. We also must be selfless. As young people, the virus doesn’t impact us, but our selfishness RIGHT NOW could lead to the deaths of people we love. We must inconvience ourselves for the benefit of others who are not as lucky as we are. People in the 18-30 age group that are young and healthy are choosing to act selfishly and live like we are on “corona-cation.” In being too focused on ourselves, we can hurt others by not realizing the impact of our actions. For the immunocompromised or the elderly, COVID-19 could mean death. Making the sacrifice of social distancing could mean saving someone you love from illness. As Nauman’s work shows, each action has a reaction. Now, more than ever, we must realize that our actions can either promote life or death.

Right now, two major reactions are being seen: panic and avoidance. Those at risk are scared to die, and those not at risk are avoiding the issue by pretending we aren’t living in a global pandemic. Both reactions are bad. We must be aware of our actions, but live in a balanced world between panic and avoidance. Both reactions are valid, yet unproductive. Anxiety provoked reactions like stockpiling, doomsday prepping, or agoraphobia give the panicked mind a sense of relief. However, hoarding toilet paper will not stop the spread of coronavirus. Avoidance may be gratifying in the moment- like going on a cheap vacation while people are dying, but feeding the instant gratification monkey is dangerous. In the case of COVID-19, this irresponsibility is increasing the spread of a virus we have the chance of containing. We cannot let our anxieties get the best of us, especially in times as important as these.

There are multitudes of joy in life, but in times of crisis, it is challenging to disregard negative thinking. Many of the values society instills in us are important, but we are looking away from what makes life worth it, our connections with each other. We are becoming increasingly materialistic. Money should not be prioritized over health. That can be seen in our world today. Buisnesses are closing, the economy is hurting, people are not thriving in the mainstream definition of monetary success. Although the world is hurting, there is love that can be found in all of the madness. People are finding ways to continue to be connected, despite being quaratined or six feet apart: neighborhoods are singing in togetherness, technology is being used to spread hopeful media, and care for those vulnerable to the virus is being prioritized by social distancing.

Taking care of our health is increasingly less important in our quick-paced society. Especially in young adulthood where the “grind doesn’t stop,” many high-achieving students priortize anything over their health. In high school, I learned this the hard way. My junior year I had mononucleosis. I was sick for two months before I went to a doctor because I wasn’t listening to my body. I was very sick, but I was stubborn and wanted to push through to achieve. In spite of this, I was still not taking care of myself. Feeling physically ill impacted my mentality. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, even while I was perpetually sick. I kept my grades good, but this wasn’t good enough in my mind. I wanted to be social, too. I went out whenever I wasn’t sick in bed, studying, or sleeping. I thought that being around people would make me forget about feeling so bad, but I was just prolonging my illness and trying to fufill an order of who I thought I was supposed to be. COVID-19 is forcing us to realize how integral our health is to the functioning of our normal society. We must take care of our bodies and minds, for they are connected. Physical and mental health, together, paint the picture of holistic health.

Despite my best efforts, my body fought against my protest of mono, for my health was in need of attention. I missed out on a lot. I slept through birthday parties, extracurricular events, fun trips with my friends. It sucked, but it taught me an important lesson… to put myself first. With my health compromised, I had no choice but to focus on keeping myself functional, first. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, prioritizng my own health, above all, was an important lesson I had to learn.

Even though junior year was the hardest year of my life thus far, it was also the most productive year of my life. I felt lonely at times, like nobody understood what I was going through, but I was determined to keep going. With social media and FOMO and cliques, high school can feel unbearable if you percieve yourself as going through the world alone. Yet, there are beautiful things and people all around. As human beings, we are never alone. We are all connected to each other. This is what makes life worth it. When you are depressed, your brain tricks you into thinking you are all by yourself. In order to combat this, I had to constantly remind myself that I was not, in fact, alone. I spent my alone time listening to music and podcasts, learning new things, and practicing gratitude for all that I had.

All of this time alone made me incredibly self aware. I was able to look around and see who truly cared about me. In practicing gratitude and combatting my loneliness, I made a list in the “Notes” section of my iPhone of all of the people I knew I could count on. As weird as that seems to some people, it helps me stay grateful for the amazing people I have in my life. In surrounding myself with people I love, I don’t feel so alone.

Now, in knowing and learning more about myself, I am better able to understand and help others. This is what I strive to do. I thought pleasing other people was “helpful” or being perfect was “necessary” in order to make the world a better place. Yet, this is not true. Perfection is a myth! I promise you. It is an idea we create and let poison our minds. Humans cannot embody an ideal. I fucked up perpetually when I thought this way. I beat down on myself and told myself I would never be good enough. I was living a lie. All of this negative energy is useless and exhausting. Being mean to yourself is nothing but self-harm.

You know what does help yourself and others, though? Living in a way that makes YOU happy and balanced. Be yourself!!! This is easier said than done, but once you stop caring what everyone else thinks, you are able to live peacefully. We must release ourselves from the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves and others. Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism said, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

Luckily, the choice to be happy and live in the present is up to you. In this life, each individual has the opportunity every day to live more or less sustainably for the good of ourselves and others. When you find yourself, benefits are reaped in your growth as an individual. Living your life true to you will make you so happy!! Happy people do wonderful things that serve both themselves and others, LIKE STAYING HOME DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. The choices one makes may seem trivial, yet the implications of one’s decisions are vast. As a society, we must emphasis holistic wellness. When one focuses on living healthily, a threshold of potential can be surpassed, just as Nauman’s work inspired me to initiate positive change in my own life.

This is how I feel right now. If you want to vent about how you feel… go to the “Your Story” page and share that shit.

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I Am Not A Number

I’m going to be honest… I’ve wanted to create something like this for a long time. A dream when I was young (that now is an incredulous fantasy) was to double major in Journalism and Fashion. My parents, both physicians, you know, typical non-creatives, proclaimed, “Print is DEAD.” They might be right, but technology isn’t. That’s why I’m here! Right now, I plan to double major in Neuroscience and Public Policy at Duke University. I love fashion and writing, but for now, I want to explore that on the side. Now, I’m not preaching that I am an expert or a professional at this whole life thing, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that sharing your story is incredibly important.

This blog will account my life. I want to share what I’m doing and what I’m learning- all of my failures and successes. Failures was listed first because I assure you there will be more of those…we learn from our mistakes though, right? The picture that frames this post might seem bold to some, but I think for me, accepting data as part of me, not the whole of me is important. Each number has a story… this year, I got a score in every. single. rank. of AP examinations. According to CollegeBoard, I am extremely well qualified, very well qualified, qualified, possibly qualified, and not qualified whatsoever among an array of subjects. Looking at a single score you may say I’m a testing wizard or that I’m incompetent. Here’s some insight for my two failing scores… What I learned is that I LOVE art history, and that I probably shouldn’t try to be a Tiger Cub stockbroker.

When I passed, it was not always with ease; I have terrible testing anxiety. I’m convinced I’m terrible at math, which might be a problem for a STEM major. I worked so hard to study for my Calculus exam and I passed by the minimum. On the other hand, I love Psychology and scored “perfect” without studying.

Before exams my senior year, I considered how these statistics were important: college applications were done, so I decided to not study for my exams with the determination I had the years prior. I had worked so long doing scholarships and college applications all senior year, I felt like I didn’t get to enjoy my time holding on to the last bits of childhood. Getting perfect scores at that point would’ve been purely for pride, and personally, I think that metrics are an unimpressive measure of someone’s intelligence as a whole. I was to a point during the year where I couldn’t stop crying for long enough to go to school. I was burnt out. This was a positive feedback cycle of doom. Work too hard, breakdown. Which led to working harder and even more breakdowns. With nothing to lose, for final exams, I slowed down and took a breath, right before the high school era of my life came to a close. Life is about taking calculated risks!

Below, is an excerpt of my college essay titled “I Am Not A Number.” If anything, the goal of this blog is to help you realize how your individuality matters- no value defines you. Please don’t plagiarize. I’ll find you.

When I was little, the number that defined me was my Reading Counts points. As an avid reader, this served as a quantifiable achievement of my beloved hobby. The praise I received was my goal; intrinsically, I am a people pleaser.

In middle school, the number that defined me was my weight. In a hyper-competitive dance studio, I went from being the thin girl to the girl who had curves.

In high school, the numbers start swirling: class rank, GPA, number of leadership positions. It is easy to become entranced by the numbers. Friendships are ruined over frivolous competition. Peers tend to fall into the toxic headspace of undermining another simply to rise one spot.

I am not proposing these numbers are meaningless, but in my perfectionist brain, a point could make a difference in whether my day was good or bad. My harshest critic was myself.

Although these numbers have their place in our education system, I feel as if the core of education has been lost in competition: love of learning takes a backseat to gaining recognition.

I am not suggesting achievement is unimportant, but rather, that collaboration should trump competition. I have learned this through my role in my school with Student Government, in my community through coordinating a mission trip, and in my friend group by encouraging peer tutoring from freshman year onward.

My advice is not to let high school pass idly by; my advice is to let passion and devotion prevail over shallow disinterest to fill a resume. Doing the right thing does not always move you up in the “rank” of the world, but I proffer that there is a single number that matters: one. You and I are individuals among 7.6 billion others and striving to make a difference one person at a time, our efforts will make the world a better place.

I know this is a lot to unpack, but hopefully, it gives you an idea of the advice I’d like to share… navigating wellness through school, family, and all the other things us emerging adults mangage. Being the oldest, I never had a sibling to look up to, so for anyone who feels alone, I’m happy to be your pseudo big sister! As I try to find my purpose, I want to connect with others and grow with them. I’m always open to chat.

-ANA

This is the first post on my new blog. I know the site is a mess right now, but for once, I don’t think perfection is the goal. I wanted to say what I felt. I appreciate you if you read this far. This is “My Story,” feel free to share “Your Story” on the tab entitled with this label.

on commitments

I would say I am a pretty committed person. I try to move through the world with follow through. If I say I am going to do something, its 90% likely I will. Alas, I am not perfect and do have my falters.

I would say I am best at this in a professional/career/school environment. In these spaces, I strive to be dependable and follow through to the nth degree.

In relationships, I would say my commitment to my family comes first. They might frustrate me sometimes but I would be nothing without them. My mom laughs at how sensitive her little ones are sometimes. I’ve been thinking about that recently and how differently me and my siblings grew up compared to our parents. I am starting to think that we were put together the way we are to teach her and my father softness and gentleness, after growing up and developing a hard skin. My siblings are also so incredibly important to me. I want nothing more for them than a healthy and happy life, and I hope they know I would part seas to help them get there.

Friendships can be a little harder for me. There are some friendships where I feel that I stand on incredibly solid ground. There is a rhythm that has been established and I am able to see them and understand them without trying too hard. I am so lucky that some of these friendships have been maintained for so long. John and I have been friends coming up on 11 years now. Sabrina and I are coming up on 10 years. Tiffany and I have been friends for 7-8 years. Amber and I have known each other for 6 years. Ashley for 5. Lauren and Anna for 3. Chloe for nearly 10 but a lapse in connection and a reconnect that has brought us closer than ever means she’s been near to me for all that time but even closer in the past year.

Again, I am so lucky to have all of these truly amazing people in my lives. However, something I have been feeling recently is how far away they are, physically. Not one of the people I named above lives in my city. Yet, at the same time I am so grateful for the people in Philly who have made me feel at home: Cierra the connector, and of course Gillian and Zeke. I am so happy to have been able to reconnect with Ellie and for the community I have found in yoga and at Penn. I have found though that it can be very difficult to establish a new rhythm within new friendships.

Sometimes I feel as if I am on unstable ground: should I accommodate or bend if that doesn’t serve me? Building a community often requires discomfort. We have to force ourselves out of our homes, out of our safe spaces, enter other people’s homes and open ourselves up to their energy, or go out into a new environment, into a space where nothing can be predicted. I am expressing this is something I particularly struggle with when it comes to new relationships, but it certainly impacts my older friendships too.

We are all constantly evolving and changing. Sometimes in relationships I feel committed to, I feel the effort drop on the other end. If I were to try and grasp on tight, the effort would be futile; it feels like wax melting through my fingers. If I try to hold on tight, I will only create more heat and melt it more. A good conversation can re-solidify the wax again and the relationship can burn brighter, the candle standing strong and upright. For whatever reason though, sometimes the bonds can’t be reformed. I feel like the wax has dripped all over the floor with friends I am no longer close to, where maybe the commitment has dropped on my end, too: whether this be due to conflict or the nature progression of growing apart. I miss some of these folks dearly, but I have come to accept that there’s only so much wax I can cup in my hands at one time.

The hardest commitments of all for me to wrap my head around are romantic ones. I think I mean this in theory more so than in practice. To build a healthy and sustainable romantic relationship it feels like all of the stars must fortuitously align: timing of what is going on in each person’s world, the mental and physical health of both people, the communication not only in one moment but each and every day, the values of both parties, the beliefs each person holds about themselves and others, the habits and lifestyle one leads. It is a lot to consider.

I say that I mean this more so in theory than in practice because I do enjoy making romantic commitments and have had a history of successful monogamous relationships, but I have begun to take these engagements much more seriously as I get older. In college it felt like graduation was a deadline in a sense. Who knew what was going to happen after diplomas were conferred? Now I know what happens, in a sense: life is (almost) entirely dictated by how you’d like to live it. You could theoretically meet someone and get married the next day. So when dating now, I am considering this at all times.

The tricky spot is the situationship territory. If I like someone, its hard for me to date other people. It is not really the norm though to date someone for say, a month, and start seriously dating (or is it? I don’t know… I guess everyone is on their own timeline.) The theoretical mind-melting state I think myself into is this: isn’t that a commitment in itself? Even if it is not labeled so? How does a label effect the way that we relate to one another? I never sat down with my friends and put the label of “best” in front of it. So when should this distinction be made then? If a relationship is right, does it ever need to be made at all? Or is the connection just known? Implicitly understood… like I feel with my friends.

I have gotten better at committing to myself and listening to what I need, but I am still learning how to balance this with what the people around me need too. Commitments are a wholesome discipline. I used to see this discipline as trapping and harsh, but as I have become softer, the world and the things and people I connect with have become softer, too.

I’ll end with this quote I found in another blog which was shared from Chloe. I am starting to think that maybe all a commitment truly means is being willing to show up for someone else in the presence moment and bear witness to who that person is right now.

“The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self. The ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone, and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them, and to have believed in them, and sometimes, just to have accompanied them, for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”

https://open.substack.com/pub/velvetnoise/p/why-some-conversations-rearrange?r=31fka9&utm_medium=ios

love actually is all around <3

Half of the year is done and wow its been a busy one. I moved into a new apartment, had so many lovely visitors, and have been a visitor in quite a few places myself. Despite all of the busyness and chaos though, love has prevailed. I think looking for it is the thing to hone in on.

In chemistry (and life), equilibrium is a key concept. According to Le Chatelier’s principle, when there is stress on a system, that system will compensate in an equal and opposite direction. When thinking about my own life and this concept of maintaining a static equilibrium, I sometimes become fixated on getting back to this middle point. What I am realizing though is that all of the beautiful moments and little joys happen in a dynamic state- when I take a different route home, or unexpectedly run into a friend, or my day surprises me. It is so hard to accept a state of unknowing, but I am done ruining my own life in pursuit of a senseless seizure of control. Because no matter what I do, the system will come back to equilibrium anyways.

My focus is often pulled in a million different directions. Recently, instead of saying I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, I’ve been saying its been burning at all ends. And from a productivity standpoint, there can be some logistical problems there. But I am also done apologizing for putting my love and energy into so many different places. I am so grateful for friends who are understanding and kind and reciprocal in effort. There are some people with whom maintaining a relationship is so easy. It makes me realize that perhaps they all should be this way.

I started the year as I always do, with Sabrina making vision boards. I came across a little post with the title, which made me immediately watch the movie “Love Actually.” Living in the city of brotherly love, is a constant reminder of “LOVE” amidst the bustle. As I sat at a big dining room table with my family this weekend, I realized how fleeting this feeling can be. We were able to gather all 5 of us for a mere 24 hours. However ungraspable this feeling may be, it does not negate the fact that love, actually, is all around. I hope whoever is reading this can feel, search for, or create this feeling in their days or weeks to come.

Happy Birthday banANNA!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to one of my best friends 🙂 I truly can’t believe it’s only been 3 years since the start of our friendship because it feels like we have been sisters our whole life. I am so honored to share ANY similarities with one of the best people I know. Thank you for being so kind and supportive but also a powerhouse of a friend. I can’t wait to call you on my commute every day until the end of time! See you soon bud.

❤ Ana

sunrises and sunsets

When I was really struggling in high school to find joie de vivre or “joy for life,” my therapist suggested I try to see a sunrise or sunset each day. I was sick with mono at the time and would wake up at 4 AM each day to make sure I got all of my homework done. I started to make time, even if just for a few minutes, to look at the sunrise and nothing else in the morning.

These days, I usually see the sunrise or sunset when I am driving. And wow, I hate driving, especially with the frequency I do it these days, but the winter sun has been putting on a show recently. Its such a comfort to know that the sun rises and falls but comes back each and every day. Even if its not the most spectacular sky, the sun is still there. And maybe thats what I need to remember: that getting up everyday and showing up is sometimes enough. That is really all that is needed.

There are certain expectations we place on ourselves and that we sometimes extend onto others: not to simply show up, but to perform, to impress. More and more, I am just grateful for the people in my life that continue to show up. We are expected to balance so many responsibilities and relationships all at once. Technology powerfully connects us, but often leaves us trying to be in two places at once: having dinner with a friend but also having a conversation over text with another.

I often expect this of myself, to be constantly multitasking, able to do it all. I wonder if my life would get better if I decided to take things one thing at a time. I’ve been so focused on what is going to happen in my future and how I am going to get there, that I haven’t even considered how wonderful each day could be. Its almost like I can accomplish things AND enjoy my time on this earth… something that I sillily hadn’t considered until quite recently. Hard work cannot come without respite.

In an existential sense, I know that not every day is guaranteed, and that scares me sometimes. How am I supposed to use the time I have? What I am realizing is that perhaps my focus should shift. It may be more fruitful to just appreciate each sunrise and sunset I have the privilege of getting to see.

The Sun just touched the morning;
The Morning, happy thing,
Supposed that he had come to dwell,
And life would be all Spring.

But, when the Gloom, with the moaning,
Swallowed up the day,
And morning, in the darkness,
Was tossed away—
The light, like a big red ball,
Was coming out of the shadows;
Emerging from the darkness,
As if to find its place again.

Brooklyn (Williamsburg), New York, 06.06.24

John’s Apartment, East Village, New York, 11.16.23

Hanging Rock State Park, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, 01.23.21

non-stop

I biked through Philly with my two best friends last weekend (who are much better bikers than me). We coasted down a hill under the Ben Franklin Bridge and were zipping by the water. Before that though, we were in Philly traffic.

We stayed in the bike lane but then all of a sudden it disappeared. There were cars parked on the side of the street and the only option was to ride in the road with the cars. I was quite terrified of the mere concept of this, but I knew if I stopped, it would be worse. A car wouldn’t be expecting me to stop and would likely hit me. I had to keep going.

I have kind of felt this same way since moving here. Like if I stop and look back, I’ll be hit. It was so hard to leave New York. I loved it there so much and I miss my people there so deeply.

Though, my life is better in different ways here. I move slower. I like my job and I feel greatly respected by my team. I have more time for myself. I feel pretty focused. Its quite shocking to realize that some things you love are thorns. We grasp onto people and places and things so tightly and then are surprised when we pull back our hand and realize its bleeding.

Its so much easier to keep going and never stop and slow down. I think this is why a lot of people stay in relationships that aren’t the healthiest. It is so wonderful to love and be loved even if days are riddled with conflict. That love never really goes away though, whether people stay together, or grow apart, it just changes form.

In reality, I think there needs to be a balance of both things: to live non-stop and soak it all in but also to stop suddenly and reflect when things don’t sit quite right. I am so grateful to be traveling and surrounded with my favorite people and waking up every day. Firing non-stop can be exhausting, but forward is the only direction I want to go right now- as long as I remember to look back at the view every once in awhile.

gratitude and signs

I don’t know when I started doing the sign of the cross. Well I do know when I started, being raised Catholic, but over the past few years this act to me has taken on a different meaning, especially as someone who no longer attends weekly mass and prefers an Episcopal service. Whenever I see something bad happen, like a car accident for instance, I’ll do the sign of the cross. This is just a little in-the-moment ask to God and the universe and whatever else is up there, to ensure safety for these people after a traumatic event, whether it be a fender bender or an untimely and tragic passage to the other side.

I am not doing this for anyone but myself, and it doesn’t feel like a compulsion either. I know that my acts likely will not influence the situation, but it feels nice to put good energy out there to someone I don’t know who is likely having a bad day. Sometimes I am even embarrassed by it and will do it super small, as if I am just fixing my hair in the sign of the cross.

Gratitude comes in here for me, because when witnessing someone go through something truly awful, it puts in perspective how lucky I am to be living a normal and greatly privileged life. Sometimes I will get pangs of anxiety- like what if someone is planning to do something awful in the public space I am in right now. There’s a strange duality of gratitude that calms me down though, since I have not experienced an encroachment on my physical safe in a major way (by transportation or public terror at least).

This makes me think too about what it means to be depressed, too. When I feel in a rut it usually stems from feeling like I am not doing enough or that I haven’t accomplished my goals yet and I am running out of time to get there. The end result being that I am a failure and a disappointment, etc.

Lately though, I have been trying to shift my perspective to focus on how lucky I am to be alive, even though I definitely won’t be as productive every day as I’d like to be. For example, if you know me, you know I require a lot of sleep. My body says, “fuck 8 hours, I want 9!” This has always frustrated me quite a bit. And I am not going to lie, it still frustrates me, but I am also immensely grateful that I have time to sleep 9 hours some nights. There have been many periods of my life where this wasn’t a possibility and I am sure that will be the case again. Heck, if I go to back to school and have a family, this may be the last time in my life I do have this luxury.

Anyways, this is what I thought about on my way to work this morning. Man, am I lucky to be alive.

on places

I’ve been thinking a lot about how where we are impacts us. It makes sense considering I am in the midst of moving, but I have also always held a belief that everyone is comprised in little parts and pieces of all the places they have ever been and all of the people they have ever met. My heart map has a huge space for New York City at the moment.

New York is ubiquitously idealized. This is ingrained in our culture-specifically through film and TV. That bug bit me too. I dreamed of a life where I could have Breakfast at Tiffany’s and be glamorously dressed just because I am going out of the house. And has my life been that technicolor the past year? No, but it has still been so incredibly wonderful. It has actually been really hard; living in New York is hard but also extremely gratifying. You must get intimate with the city: which corner is your laundromat, where do you stop for an SOS cup of coffee when running late to work, what is the best alternative route to get downtown if the train isn’t running? You must get familiar with your neighborhood and with the ecosystem of the city itself or you will get lost in it (or end up rotting away in your apartment).

I think this closeness that must exist with your surroundings is what makes New York feel like a little piece of it is owned by so many people. It is a city of transplants, the pinnacle of the American Dream, “if you can make it here you can make it anywhere.” So much so that there’s a 10 year rule of living to establish yourself a “true New Yorker.” I think about my hometown and how generations of families live there and continually come back to pass on the tradition. Although, there are born and bred New Yorkers with this same story, the expansiveness of the 5 boroughs and the constant influx and outflow of people make this structure feel like less of the norm. Hell, I feel like New York is a little bit mine and I only lived there a year. That is what makes the magic of this place, the fleeting idea that you have left a minuscule imprint on a city where so many people dream to be.

Happy 18th Birthday Sister!!

Hi Koko,

Happy birthday my girl!!! I am so proud of what you have accomplished up until this point and I’m even more excited for all you have to come.

I know 18 can feel like an ending. The end of childhood. The end of living at home. It’s only the beginning though. It may be the end of childhood but it’s the start of true youth- with freedom and independence- at least. I honestly can’t even remember my life before I was 18.

You are so talented and wonderful and have such a unique perspective. I hope you can focus on joy and wonder and not worry about where you’re going because you don’t have to figure it all out right now.

I can’t wait to see you soon. I love you!!!

Ana

to my favorite future lawyer…

Sabbie, I am so proud to be your friend. Watching your passion for social justice grow (as the world devolves further each day) gives me hope because I know people like you will make the world a better place. Thank you for being the best friend and book club buddy ever. I remember writing one of my supplements for college about you, how we would do yoga, and read and paddleboard… and it was so surreal to be on the phone with you as you got accepted into Duke. The invisible string really does tie it all together.

I remember the exact same feeling when I got into Duke and it truly is such a magical place. I cannot wait to give you all the recommendations and more importantly, to visit. This is silly and dumb of me (and also a little elitist) but the “id” part of my brain is so happy we are part of this little club, this little section of the human experience, distinct in our own ways… and I mean that pertaining to our relationship in many more ways than just us attending the same school.

You are not just my friend but my sister and I know you will be a great lawyer because of that. To represent another human being in the court of law when their freedom hangs between the scales of justice means wholly understanding a person. Becoming family with someone you didn’t share a home with requires immense empathy, consideration, and forgiveness. Thank you so much for always making me feel seen and never making me feel judged. I know in your lifetime you will make so many other people feel the same way: seen and heard in ways no one has ever made them feel before.

I love you to the moon!

x Ana