I started this blog a while back. I was in the room of my now dead grandfather’s home. A home now owned by someone else that is perched on top of a rolling hill. The last time I ran the hill I didn’t know I would miss it. All I could think about back then was the pain of getting to the summit of the hill. And now all I can think about is that room I’ll never be in again.
I remember coming home from college for one of the first times and my dad saying, “You know sweetie, you can’t go home again.” I never understood that saying until then. I lived my whole life in the same place, surrounding by the same people, but when I came back none of it felt like home anymore. I spent my freshman year torn between two states, two lives, two versions of my self: a version of myself that wanted to be perfect and a version of myself that wanted freedom from control by me or anyone else.
I am far away from that place I was in freshman year. I barely speak to anyone I trusted my life with then. In some ways this makes me sad, but I know that whatever is meant to be isn’t forced. I mean, that’s how I started to love myself, anyway. I had to let go of all the ways I controlled myself: eating a certain amount, working out 6 days a week, I couldn’t be seen without makeup or at least a suitable outfit on.
Right now, I am having a hard time not controlling myself again. It is almost like my natural urge is to do things that I hate. Sometimes it is more painful to eat than to give up the mental force I put into restricting the whole day. Yet, I am learning to push myself out of my comfort zone, just like when I ran the hill leading up to my grandfather’s house.
I have to keep pushing myself to live in the moment because it’s all going by too fast. Sometimes I miss the version of myself I think was smarter, prettier, kinder, but I know that I enjoy life more if I can exist just living how I am meant to instead of convincing myself I should be someone that I am not. Because one day I am going to miss the me that I hate right now, so why not just accept myself right now instead?
The feeling that you are losing home never goes away. Home is defined by the people you love, and these relationships are always growing and changing. Sometimes you can feel people slipping away from you: whether they are growing uncomfortably into who they are or going through a rough patch. There is always the chance that someone grows out of themselves and out of you, but there is also the chance that they fall back into who they once were. None of that is in your control. What is in your control is to hold your friend’s hand tightly when you feel them slip. There is always the choice to tap someone on the shoulder and ask “how they you?” or send an “I miss you” text. Even with this, sometimes a person isn’t home for you ever again. This doesn’t change how beautiful the relationship was, the memories you had, or the way you grew and shaped each other like a plant shifting to reach the light. Best of all, sometimes a person serendipitously appears. It’s like god or the universe or the simulation put them there. Life is so beautiful for these full circle moments. So whatever home you are building right now, hold on to it. No matter how painful, wonderful, or exciting, you can never move back in.
ANAGRAM 