A playlist, a virtual love letter, and two best friends walk into a bar…
I was 13 when we met; he was 14. People much older and wiser than I say that 6 years isn’t a long time. However, there are lots of memories best friend and I have shared that I need to let go of, in order to move on, permanently.
Best friend was the person that helped me decide the name of this blog. I thought my pun was silly at first, but his confidence in me propelled my idea forward. I bought the domain anagram.blog/ about a year ago today.
Below is an email I never sent him titled:
“A Virtual Love Letter”
Dear Best Friend,
I wanted to send you a paper letter because those are much more my style: hopelessly romantic, unconventional, and tryingly thoughtful. And I wish I could bring myself to write you a real-life love letter, but frankly, my feelings must be delivered with to you with a careful sense of urgency. The email format seems like the right form of communication to flirt with the boundary of our current relationship. Phone tag and texting seems juvenile.
Words mean something to me. The way you think, talk, and write are things I have always admired about you.
This is part of the reason why your words have been ruminating in my head.
“Reality is often disappointing.” This phrase you said shook me to the core. I, for one, believe that there are multiple different realities we can imagine ourselves living in. Thus, our perception of our surroundings creates the space and dimension of the reality we choose to live in.
For example, I can imagine a reality, a life of mine, where you respond to this email, or I can imagine a reality where you ignore this email and move on. In the reality where you respond, I would choose to perceive your reply as a message of goodness. I would bask in the radiating essence of forgiveness, understanding, and reconciliation that would exist, in my mind, between us. In the reality where you don’t respond, I would choose to perceive a lack of reply as a rejection of care. Thus, I would have two options: to force myself to move on or to imagine a future where we meet again. Those who choose to live in the past are merely depressed beings, yet I hold on to the belief that the future is better than our minds tend to perceive it to be.
Whether you reply or not, I choose to perceive my reality as improved by sending this email, for there is a chance that your eyes could stumble upon my words.
I believe that the “imaginary space we created where things were better” is simply the reality I chose to live in when I was graced with the chance of spending time in your physical presence. Every time I have gotten to see you in person, I’ve had some of the best memories I can remember. I hold on to the hope, not the expectation, that the future will lend us days reminiscent of concerts in a city, impromptu meetups crossing state borders in the middle of the night, or frat party date functions at a college.
With that being said, I am emailing in response to the unfolding of our relationship, as a whole. And I know what you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, yeah she doesn’t mean any of this.”
To be honest, I can see how you would think that. My actions and words have certainly misaligned in the past. I know this about myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I tend to shy from and sabotage the things that truly cause me joy. With you, there is a perpetual worry in my mind that our relationship will either fail or cease to exist, entirely. Which is worse, and where do we stand currently? I have no answer to either of these questions. As you said, only time will provide clarity. Luckily, I’ve got all the time in the world.
I don’t know how many times I’ll say this to you, but here it is, sweet boy. I said it in eighth grade, and I’ll say it again now. I love you, and I mean that.
I don’t love you in a fleeting way… like the way that people post on Twitter about. I love you like Kayne loves Kayne. And as a religious ‘Ye follower, you know how much that creative genius likes himself.
I love you like Freddie Mercury loves his first love as he sings the song “Love of My Life.”
And it’s okay if you don’t love me back now, or if you’ll never love me again. I tell you all of these things because I am incredibly and uncomfortably aware of the impermanence of romance.
I will always be here for you, my friend. You have always been one of my best friends, first. Even when you were my romantic interest, schoolgirl crush, or in my dreams, I’ve always valued you as an incredible human being, person, and friend, first.
To me, love isn’t giving up when life gets hard; love is sticking through when sh** hits the fan. This, my dear, is why I claim to love you.
Unreciprocated or not, my heart is now in your hands. Do with it what you will… Whenever you know who you are; whenever you feel your heart is right. Truly loving someone is respecting their decisions. And let me tell you, best friend, I respect the hell out of however you decide to handle this romance between you and I.
Your move,
xo Ana
ANAGRAM 